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*tap tap tap* Is this thing on? *blows into mic*

Hey, I know no one is out there reading this.  I mean, only like 2 people read it in the first place and then I abandoned it for nearly a year, but so what?   One day, some really persistent person is going to google something relevant and this is going to pop up.  And then they will learn stuff.  It might only be stuff about me, but it will be stuff.

Since nothing about my weight has changed – the whole “get healthy” thing failed miserably – I find myself starting over from square one.  I will catch you up.

I have no idea how far I got with detailing the adventure before now, and GOD KNOWS I am not going to read my old posts, so I will just say that living with a man who wants to eat meat, fat, meat, bread, meat, dessert, chocolate, and more dessert is REALLY A GIANT PAIN IN THE ASS if you are fat, have metabolic problems, and want to get healthy.  Okay?  Okay.  I’m not blaming him for my failure, but it’s all his fault.  If I were a machine or a different person or, you know, someone with some willpower, I’m sure I would have succeeded so you go ahead, Mr. or Ms. I-Am-So-Motivated-I-Can-Do-Anything, but you I am not.

So, my attempt to go mostly vegetarian.  Failed.

My attempt to go vegan, even partially.  Failed.  Laughably so.

My attempt to make my plate half greens.  Failed.

My attempt to eat a hub cap sized salad every single day.  Failed.

My attempt to learn some healthy recipes.  Not a total failure.  I am learning to cook.  It’s pretty sweet.

My attempt to lose any weight by virtue of healthier eating.  Failed.

My attempt to quit smoking.  Depends on your definition of Failed.

My attempt to exercise more.  Does sleep count as exercise? No? Failed.

My attempt to go all organic.  Failed.  But only partially.

My attempt to go gluten-free.  Failed.

My attempt to stick with any of these attempts.  Failed.

Now is the time when one might just, say, give entirely up and curl up in a corner to die of adult onset diabetes or cardiac arrest, but “NO!” I cry.  I shall not give up.  Give me liberty or give me death.  Oh yeah, death was kind of the whole thing anyway, so forget I said that.

And actually, it’s not death I’m afraid of so much as living a shitty, unhealthy life where I can’t do things or travel or even walk to the mailbox and back.  I mean if death happens, so be it, but let’s face it – barring accident or act of terror or something really stupid and untimely, what I’m actually going to be dealing with is a life of ever-decreasing mobility and vibrancy and happiness.  I would rather wait to deal with those things until I’m in my 70s or 80s, thanks.

The good news is that I have successfully quit all real cigarettes and am now entirely electronic.  And that, I’m pleased to report, is in ever decreasing amounts.  I refuse to stress about it and will continue to use the e-cigs as desired rather than pile more “shoulda coulda woulda” onto my plate, but the longer I’m e-only, the less I need it.  I, in no way, consume as much nicotine as I did prior, and I no longer inhale millions of deadly chemicals (just the 3 or so), and I’m no longer tanning my face and hands like an ugly speckled piece of leather (I have freckles), so that is a good enough start for me.  Pat pat pat.

More good news is that I am still working on getting healthy and I am grateful for the last year of attempts and failures, because I think I’m on a better track.  I was on a good track before, don’t get me wrong, but it was like a GIANT track with A WHOLE LOT OF GIANT CHANGES on it ALL AT ONCE and I think we all know that means certain failure for most of us.  At least, it did for me.  So my much better “baby steps” track should have a far greater chance of success.

I have many more things to tell you, but will break them up into multiple posts so as not to overwhelm you. You, the reader that does not exist.

I’m not blaming you for not reading.  Really.  I have no expectations for you, my non-readers.  I have failed you, who do not exist, repeatedly for months.  I would say that you are entirely forgiven, my little nonexistent friends, but of course, you don’t exist and there’s nothing for to forgive.

Makes sense.

xo

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