So I am going to fess up to an unattractive, very questionable, and probably pathetic behavior. Searching for exes on the internet. I do it. I’m not proud.
Example A: Ex-best friend. You can tell we were friends a long time ago because I call her an ex “best” friend. A concept that is immature, at best. We met in college and bonded fast and furious. We had some of the best times of my life together. I would say “our lives”, but I honestly don’t know if those times qualify as bests for her anymore. We lost touch.
Example B: Ex-first love. Okay, this relationship pre-dates the ex-bestfriend even, it’s so historical.
Example C: Ex-husband. Yep, I have an ex husband. I have a current one, too, but this isn’t about him, it’s about them.
I am cursed with a taste for stubborn, atypical people who do irritating things like refuse to adopt concepts like Facebook and blogs and other public venues for stalking, so for years now, if I found myself curious about someone I used to know, I am forced to investigate. I can’t just tap tap click and find their stubborn asses. Fortunately, I am skilled in internet research. I can find shit. I type fast and I read fast, so please don’t picture me spending hour upon hour, late into the wee hours or anything. I’m too lazy for that crap. What I do is a sort of blitz assault for 10 minutes and then bag it because I have actual things to do and can’t spend all my time stalking people.
Fortunately, Facebook has become such a tour de force that my even my lame-ass exes have finally started using it. Unfortunately, everyone knows how to protect their Facebook security so while I know two of the 3 that I occasionally search, are on there. I just can’t see much about them.
None of that is the point of this post. The point is now that I have discovered little tidbits about my exes, I am suddenly reminded that these folks weren’t perfect, like they have been in my head all these years, and I really might not have been the problem, anyway. These are important, almost momentous ideas for me. I sort of walk around all the time with this vague ennui over the loss of these people formerly important to me and a feeling of failure as if it was all my fault.
I mean, I’m a deeply flawed person that no one loves, so of course it was my fault.
But let me say this… the ex best friend, she was lovely. I adored that girl. We had so much fun together and she was just so eff’n cool. She was super stylish (really should have gone into fashion. really) and cute and free-spirited, but still a basically good girl. I have never had a friend that I enjoyed as much. And that is what I miss, I guess. But technically speaking, I do not know how good a friend she really was. She sent me cute cards and such, but she also ditched me every time she got a boyfriend. She was incapable of talking about problems (personal ones or ones with me) so it left us with baggage that I couldn’t do anything about because I honestly didn’t know it’s origin. She was a lot more talk than action when it came to loyalty. Granted, I was a total mess during those years. I was fun, but I was a mess. I’m still a mess, but I’ve been cleaning it up for a few years and I’m getting there. I tried one time to revive the friendship… after a year of silence from her. And it worked, but really only superficially. She moved out of state too soon after that for us to really rebuild, and I honestly don’t know if we could have done so anyway. Plus, she turned into such a yuppie. A cool, stylish one, but a BMW speedster-driving, corporate takeover, most popular girl in the junior league, kind of yuppie.
The ex first love… actually, wasn’t all that dissimilar to the ex bestie. I mean, I was madly, deeply, horrendously in love with him. Maybe it was because he was my first love or maybe it was infatuation, but regardless, I was in deep. I don’t know if he was in it as deeply, really. Anyway, in the end, he wasn’t that great either. I broke up with him, as a threat, really, and he accepted way too readily. Then he pretty much start sleeping with other girls within 5 minutes and then within about 15 minutes was shacked up with one (who my internet stalking determined he actually married). The bad news is that the one he shacked up with was his best friend’s wife and the reason he and wifey got together was because he moved in with bestie and wife when he and I broke up. He couldn’t afford our little house without me, and needed somewhere to go. Tragic. I loved that best friend of his, too. He was SUCH a great guy. So ex first love ditched me quick without ever a look back, ran off and stole his best friend’s wife after a couple of lady pit stops in between, and I’ve never heard a peep out of him since. Shady, right? He, too, developed into this super-desirable, all the lady artists in art school wanted him, sort of guy while he was with me. I didn’t stand a chance once I had him convinced he was awesome.
What can I say? I have good taste.
The ex husband will probably never adopt passe things like Facebook, or the internet in general, but I stayed in touch with him long enough to get some dirt on him, too, over the years. The main dirt being that after me, he turned into someone who cheated horribly on his significant other, even after they had a baby together. So I guess that’s pretty bad, huh?
Were these folks like this BEFORE me? And I just didn’t know it? I was young, so I suppose that could be correct. What do you really know about folks before you spend a few years with them? Not a lot, people.
The bigger question is why do I ponder these folks at all anymore? And will I keep doing so now that I have reminded myself of their less stellar qualities? I don’t think these folks have any interest in contact with me and I have no business being in contact with any of them, so it is not about establishing contact. I am just curious. I want to know how their lives are turning out. Are they happy? Are they enjoying their lives? Married? Kids? (I actually know the answers to some of these questions, but I don’t know it from THEM). And so on.
I think I can let go of the pouting, though. I really need to concentrate on today.